If You Were Gay
by Color With Marker
Summary: Mark gets annoyed when Roger pesters him about his sexuality. Parody of "If You Were Gay" from Avenue Q.


Mark has had the best day of his life so far. The sun was shining. Pigeons were chirping. Roger had a gig. Benny said he had a date. Collins had an interview. Maureen was out with a friend (who happened to be a girl; she'd been too friendly with other guys lately). April had plans that involved not being home until late tonight. He had been able to take a hot shower for once. There was even power! He grabbed a book and curled up with it on the couch.

"Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, _Broadway Musicals of the 1940s_," he told himself. It was an anniversary present from Maureen. "No roommates to bother me. How could it get any better than this?"

About five pages into his reading, the loft door flew open.

"Oh, hi Mark!"

Mark groaned. "Hi, Roger."

Said songwriter threw his bag on the floor and slid his shoes toward his room. He jumped on the opposite end of the couch.

"Hey Mark, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning," Roger said. He didn't give his best friend a chance to answer. "This guy was _smiling_ at me and _talking_ to me."

"That's very interesting," Mark replied, not really listening to Roger.

"He was being _real _friendly," Roger continued. "And I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought _I_ was _gay_!"

That caught Mark's attention very quickly. He felt his cheeks burn. He tried to focus on his book and to not make eye contact with Roger.

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?" he asked nervously. "Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?"

Roger ruffled his hair. "Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Mark..."

"I'm _not_ getting defensive!" Mark shouted. He took a deep breath before asking, "What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read." He held up his book for proof and went back to the text in his hands.

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it Mark," Roger insisted.

_Liar,_ Mark thought.

"I just think it's something that we should be able to talk about," Roger continued.

"I don't want to talk about it, Roger," Mark pleaded. "This conversation is over."

"Yeah, but..."

"_Over_!"

"Well, okay, but just so you know..."

Mark thought that Roger was done talking now and was ready to go back to his book.

He was wrong.

"If you were gay," Roger said. "That'd be okay. I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay. But I'm not gay."

_I'm going to kill you, Roger,_ Mark thought angrily.

"Roger, please," Mark begged. "I'm trying to read!"

He read another paragraph before he finally noticed that Roger's face was only inches from his own.

"What?!" he snapped.

"If you were queer," Roger began.

"Ah, Roger!"

"I'd still be here."

"Roger, I am trying to read!" Mark shooed him away with his book.

"Year after year..."

"Roger!"

"Because you're dear to me!"

Mark screamed in Roger's face, praying that'd give him a clue. Of course, it didn't. He regretted having a less-than-brilliant friend sometimes.

"And I know that you..."

_Is he trying to make me commit a crime?_ Mark wondered.

"What?" he asked.

"Would accept me too," Roger insisted.

"I would?"

"If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what? I'm gay!' But I'm not gay!" Roger smiled.

_Maureen would like you more if you were,_ Mark thought as he went back to reading.

"I'm happy just being with you," Roger said.

Mark tried blocking him out. "High button shoes, Pal Joey," he read out loud.

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" Roger asked.

_Oh, that's it!_ Mark thought. _He just crossed the line!_

"Roger, that's _gross_!" he exclaimed.

"No it's not!" Roger insisted. "If you were gay, I'd shout, 'Hooray!'"

"I am not listening!" Mark cried. He held his book up to shield the sight of Roger from his line of vision.

"And here I'd stay..."

"La la la la!" Mark tried blocking out his voice.

"But I wouldn't get in your way!" Roger said as he pulled down the book so Mark was forced to look at him.

_The irony._

Mark screamed in his face again and turned his back.

Roger threw his arms around the filmmaker.

"You can always count on me to always be..."

Mark's hands shook in anger as Roger continued to run his mouth.

"...Beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and, as they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay!"

Mark threw Roger off of him and slammed his book shut.

"But I'm not gay!" he shrieked.

"If you _were_ gay..." Roger began.

Mark screamed one last time before storming out of the apartment.

"I have a girlfriend, you know!" he shouted as he left the loft.

Once he did, Roger groaned and pulled four five-dollar bills from his pocket.

"I shouldn't have bet all of our roommates that he was gay," he muttered to himself.


End file.
